11-22-17 I’m sitting here working on my book and I feel absolutely fine. I feel solid, like there’s no holes in me. and I think that is how you always feel when you know i love you.
Did you ever doubt it? Be honest. Did you wonder?
God has been telling me to act, walk and talk like I know I’m absolutely loved. So I looked up definitions and wrote them down. in how people act when they know this. it all boils down to confidence.
The only time i could pull from, was when you loved me. I was trying to remember how I acted, but it was the memories were fleeting.
But NOW, I KNOW
Its this credible, awesome absolute KNOWING, this feeling of being grounded, the feeling I can do anything because God loves me. That I am not wrong, that I am not bad, how could anyone BE bad when God loves them so much? I am not faulty, there’s no mistake. I am loved.
THAT is how God loves me.
I’ve been praying for this ‘knowing’ every day for MONTHS. and now I know. and I know because you kept me in your heart and you love me.
Hows that for heavy? and delightful?
And that is why I don’t need to talk to you all the time, every day, [like before]. That is why I encourage you to be the best you can be where you are. So you can know, when all is said and done, you did your best.
And i know that I know, I’m in your heart and God loves me.
This knowing, is what you’ve had all along. this knowing, in the deep bottom of your heart, you know you love me and it hasn’t bothered you and you haven’t been worried about it. Just like God’s love. _THAT_ is what I’ve always been amazed at, this KNOWING that people have. And now I know it too. I know I have a Father. Not only that, but I can say, “I have a Father Who loves me” and know it’s true.
11-22-17 I’m watching vids from long ago. I REMEMBER why you loved me so much. Because you are ‘the man’ with me. If you can take that and apply it to your life where you are, you will be happier I think.
It’s godly for a man to protect and take charge. It’s not godly for a woman to take charge. While men have to learn how to be with a woman – and sometimes it takes a long time – they still have to be in charge and the woman MUST stop being in charge. Esp women that are strong women, or women that were single moms. Women have learned they must be in charge because of circumstances.
But when they are around men, they need to be able to let the female side of them surface, not the take charge side. that’s hard.
Men tend to be lazy and not work hard at being in charge because they would rather just ‘let her do it, she wants too’. but that’s a lie, women don’t _want_ too, they were forced too at some point in their lives. Some women haven’t learned the balance of being a strong woman and allowing the man to lead.
For some reason, you and I had it the correct way. We both liked it and it worked. That’s how God intended it to be.
So take this lesson and apply it to your life now. Figure out whatever you need to figure out on what made you feel so good when you thought, ‘yeah, you’re my girl’. because thinking that way, is thinking in a protective way. Thinking ‘you’re my woman’ you saw me in a different way, an equal.
Figure it out and be happy where you are.
I am not at all threatened by this. Because I know where I am inside you. I seriously thought you had forgotten about me. If you work at it and are happy where you are, in what you’re doing, everything will feel better and work out better. it’s HARD work. But worth it.
Even if you get to where you are so happy in your life that we don’t talk anymore, except as occasional friends from LONG ago, It’s ok. because you need to do and be – what God has called you to do and be. God makes lemon chiffon pie out of lemons. Not just common lemonade. He turns our ashes into beauty. He makes things right. We need to lean into Him. And I know, oh! I know today, how deeply I am in God’s heart, because of you.
11-6-17 I have a choice today. A choice to stay angry and hurt at all the things my ex husband is doing, since he started staying with me 2 weeks ago while he’s in between jobs, or to choose to live my life differently. TODAY. I have been practicing forgiveness and praying for him for 2 weeks. That’s not an easy thing in itself already. It’s not like it’s a once a day deal. The reasons we are divorced are still there. We normally get along, unless we are together for too long a time. Three days is usually the max. This has been 2 weeks with one left to go.
But this morning, before I even got out of bed, it seems to all have come to a head. I had a bad dream about him, caused by my own accusatory mouthiness the night before. So all I have inside me is anger at him being the way he is and not caring enough about me, to make changes. At least, that’s how I see it.
A friend of mine on face book posted something this morning that said, “Be the gift, be gentle with each other today” and I realize I have a choice. That choice ‘they’ all say we have. That choice that is a step and is most of the time, hard to take, because it’s easier to wallow in self pity and staying angry because we’re so used to being angry at that person or situation. It is easier to stay in the crummy mood we’re in, because we’re so used to it. Or because making a decision to stop being angry means we have to change the way we’re thinking and change is hard. Or because we have to turn loose of being offended, of having our rights, the right to be treated better, the right to be loved, the right to hurt, we have to let that all go.
I am smack dab in the middle of letting go of my right to be hurt because someone is being himself. [yes, the import of that is not lost on me] I am crying as I write this. It’s hard to be hurt and let it go. It feels like I am pushing down, burying, my feelings. Like I’m not allowing myself to hurt. But that is a lie from the enemy of my soul. Satan. That is an old ploy and I recognize it now. I am not burying my feelings. I am crying, therefore, I am feeling them. I am writing about them, therefore i am feeling them.
Because I realize this, now I am set free in my inner woman. [woo hoo!]
We all love having choices right? My choices are to remain in a state of stress, like it’s been for some days, or make aconscious choice, without using force on myself, to accept those things I cannot change and to stop trying to change those things that will not change. To tell myself, as we did in basic training, ‘this is not the Army, this is only basic training’, AND to celebrate the days left of him being around AND to LAY ASIDE every expectation, every hurt that comes my way and leave it alone. Don’t pick it up, just leave it on the ground or let it zing on past me. Those poison arrows are, indeed, intended for me, but if I don’t pick them up, I can’t be hurt by them. It may seem like a tall order, but in reality, it’s making a choice to live in health. [God reminded me this morning to take a flower essence, I’ll have to see which one deals in stress]
TODAY, I make my choice to be unoffendable. I take back the power I’ve given to another to offend me, make me angry or hurt me. [the understanding of this concept is coming to me] I make my choice for my self. To attend to my needs. To love me more than another and in the doing, I will love them. Love your neighbor as yourself says the Bible.
I choose to BE and ACT differently than I have recently, thereby changing how I feel in the process. To celebrate these days he will be here and to not expect to make silk out of a sow’s ear. [and I choose to leave the house for a while and to open the windows and doors to the beautiful 80F weather, exchanging the inside air for the fresh air and negative ions]