How She Thinks

Violated Veteran

2-16-18 I realize I feel violated.

Around 2015 I met with Sherry Mercier, talking about the American Legion. She lost her leg because of bone cancer. She told me about Ft. McClellan being toxic. We were talking bones and I told her about a doctor I had who was alarmed at the degree of osteoporosis I had/have. She said there was probably a correlation. But I didn’t pursue it. WHY? Because I’m not a blamer. 

Medal

I and others in my prayer group have prayed about my bones, to grow, for 15 yrs. They seem to be dissolving, especially in my jaw. I have gone for prayer to Texas, every where asking for prayer for my bones to grow in. I know God heals. I’ve been a recipient of that healing power many times. However, I haven’t seen anything happening and it’s been so long.

At the end of Jan. 2018, I fasted about this for 3 days. I received no direction, no information. I received a lot of other revelation, but nothing about this. So last night, 2-15-18, running my tongue over one of the two implants in the lower jaw, I became alarmed. I have done my best to fight fear. To not think of bad things, to not fear but have faith. I have faith.

So a thought came to me to look up Ft. McClellan. I did. I was there for basic training July to August 1973. The ‘do you have a basis to file a claim’ site, does not list severe osteoporosis as one of their ailments, but they also say they don’t know all the ailments that would happen. 

Basic training graduation 1973 Ft. McClellan Me, 2nd row down from top, right side, 3rd one in. In this photo, Janelle Baert, Donna Wilson, Sadler, Lynn Wonder, Mary Margaret Strauss, Carol Vail, Sharon Zanowich, Banks, DS Ruff [drill doggie Cha Cha], DS Bailey, Cpl Brewster, Lt __, Capt ___, & others I can’t remember their names
Well, one of the questions I’ve always had, was, ‘did I do this to myself through not eating right? Did I do this to myself through something I did or didn’t do’? At least that has been answered. I did not.

The song ‘Hallelujah’ is on in the background. I am stunned. Tears course down my cheeks. I know God knows me and loves me. I know He joys over me with singing. I know He delights in me. I know He’s aware of what is going on. 

The one thing no one wants, is to live life maimed and/or in pain. 

There has been a bill before Congress since 2015 to get a health registry going for those that were at Ft. McClellan between 1935 and 1999. It has been renewed every year and is now before Congress with this number: H.R. 3666 – 115th Congress (2017-2018). 

This, article from 2014, < link – explains it well. 

I feel violated. Monsanto is the culprit here, along with the United States Military for trying to hide this and denying claims.

I knew I was signing up to defend my country. I did not think my country would be the one to hurt me and then cover it up. 

Later I will come out fighting. But today, sitting here stunned, I cry.

I leave you with the tune from Don Quixote, most of the lyrics by me. 

To dream the impossible dream
To right the unrightable wrong
We had basic at Ft. McClellan
We trained and sang marching songs

This was our quest
To fight for our land
No matter how hopeless
Together we’d stand

To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into hell
For our country’s cause

And we thought, if we’d only be true 
To this glorious quest
That our hearts would lie peaceful and calm
When we’re laid to our rest

But we found, we’re betrayed by our own. 
We are scorned and denied benefits
Now we strive to have health and life life
Pass the bill, there’s enough evidence!

 

 

 

Fire On The Altar

2-4-18 3 a.m.

I am CONVICTED of my selfishness and self-absorption. 

God told me to ‘use and sell flower essences’. He told me to write a book on it for people to understand it. God said ‘it’s mine and I want it back’. And I’ve been making it about me. MY fears, MY concerns, how I will look if I am wrong in the book.

God love me, I’ve rolled my eyes – more than once.

I am APPALLED at my behaviors and reactions. Thank God for His mercy and grace and PATIENCE. 

This is SO not about me. It’s not about me. It’s about God. It’s about what HE wants. It’s not about whether or not I think He’s crazy for asking ME to do this. Just who do I think I am, telling God He should pick someone else? Who am I to not joyfully embrace what He told me to do? WHO AM I to think I know more or better than God? That is my biggest failing. Oh God, forgive me. 

repentant heart

I am so…ashamed is the best word…of how I’ve acted with this and that I – who most will tell you is the least selfish person they know – I have taken pride in that. Oh God, forgive me. It doesn’t matter about others, what they think or don’t think. What matters is You and what you think and what You want.

I can not _believe_ how selfish I am! Look what the Moravians did. God, forgive me, forgive me. I repent. 

I am reading “Fire On The Altar” by  Frank “JJ” Di Pietro and J. D. King. What an AMAZING recount of the Moravians, John Wesley and others. 

 

Forgiveness And Hurt – How To Deal

Forgiveness and hurt. It’s not that I want to keep and hold on to the hurt, it’s that I want you to hurt as much as I hurt, because then you will know how much I hurt and you will care and you will not do it again. That’s what we all think anyway. It rarely works. 

So people continue to hurt people. I hurt you, you hurt me. Instead, there is a better way. Forgiveness sets us free. You don’t even know I’m angry at you if you are not around me. So stress, many sicknesses caused by stress and anger, these can all be gone from us if we forgive others. If we truly let go of the pain, the hurt, the wanting to get back at them. 

Hurt is unforgiveness. Release the hurt, release the unforgiveness. This means to let go of the pain, let go of the fear, let go of the anger. Let it go and get on with your life.

Read a book by John Bevere called, ‘The Bait of Satan’. or watch it here.

 

 

My Road – Alone


originally published on another blog 2-1-17.

I ALWAYS felt alone. Rejected by my mother, I wasn’t the type of child she wanted. Rejected by my sister, she only wants perfect people in her life – I always felt alone. Molested by my grandfather, with no one to help because they didn’t know, I always felt alone. Full of fear and so alone.

Even the moon hides

When I became a Christian, I struggled in the Lord. OH! How I’ve struggled. I figured I wasn’t smart enough, good enough or worthwhile enough. I grew up thinking I never measured up, so how could I, as a Christian, measure up to all these things that Christians are supposed to be? I didn’t have the training others had, it seemed I just didn’t know enough or understand well enough. 

I was the johnny-come-lately, the one behind the 8-ball, the outcast, the black sheep. I was the one that wasn’t wanted or loved. The one that didn’t have anyone in her corner. Or so I thought. 

lonely little girl

I have been a follower of Jesus for 38 years now. Following hard after Him for 35 yrs. It was in 2015 that I realized God loves me. That’s a long time to struggle to understand it, find it out, figure it out. It was an epiphany. I had just told my earthly Dad he can’t tell me what to do in my life or run my life or talk down to me, and all of a sudden, I realized HOW God is my Father. How LOVING God is. 

I’d also had an epiphany of God loving me in 2002, going camping, late start, we set up camp in the dark, with a monsoon coming on. Woke up in the middle of the night with the foot of my sleeping bag outside the tent, where it was soaking wet. The water had wicked up the zipper, but I was dry and warm. There was damp on either side of my pillow, happy for me, when I sleep, I don’t move or move much. I had a deep fear of hypothermia at the time and I asked God to not let my head get wet. Upon awakening in the morning, both sides of my pillow were completely wet thru, but I wasn’t wet. 

Getting out of the tent, we saw a wadi. A wadi is a depression in the earth that looks like where a river should go, but it’s dry in normal weather. Until monsoons hit and then it’s a torrent of rushing water. Our tent was on the EDGE of the wadi. A few more inches and we would have drowned. That’s a pretty powerful God, that can stop someone from doing something in the pitch dark, without them even knowing it. 

On January 28, 2017, I had a new epiphany on prayer. 

I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know what I was praying about, or thinking about, or crying to God about, but all of a sudden I knew that the reason i am getting through areas of blockages in my life NOW, is because someone prayed for me! Some of my ancestors prayed for me!

I was floored, a feeling of relief washed over me, I started crying. [cause that’s what *I* do! LOL ] The scripture that says ‘there is a great cloud of witnesses around us’ Hebrews 12:1 – took on new meaning. 

SOMEONE PRAYED FOR ME! OMGOSH, I WASN’T ALONE! click on the title to listen

     Someone Prayed

As yet they did not know me
But they knew the Lord
They knew they’d have descendants
They relied upon His Word
When they’d say their prayers
They’d get down upon their knees
They prayed for their descendants
And one of them was me
Without their prayers from long ago
I would not be here
I always felt so all alone
And I was full of fear
I was meant to be destroyed
by satan oh but wait!
The prayers of my ancestors
Saved me from that fate.

 

© copyright Janine M Joi                                                                                                        

As I was reading Ephesians yesterday, I realized that Paul prayed for me as well! Ephesians 1:16-19; 3:15-19. 

The holy and revered apostle Paul, prayed for ME! OH. MY. GOSH! It all ties in!

So you see we are not alone. We not only have a great cloud of witnesses in the spiritual world around us, we also have the prayers of our ancestors surrounding us and uplifting us!

Sometimes I still get the fear that people will think I’m just absolutely so stupid that I didn’t know all this years ago. But even in the face of that fear, I still keep writing my journal online because God told me to do so in 2003 and He hasn’t said I could quit yet. [I asked in 2016, several times] So if what I write helps even one person, the ripple effect will be huge. So I just plow thru the feelings of inferiority and spill my guts for everyone to see, because this is one of the things God has told me to do. 

Just think! At some point [and I hope it’s soon!], I’m going to have confidence in myself and what I know. And won’t that be a fine day!

Neutrinos, Quasars OH MY!

I am ENTHRALLED! I am writing a book on frequencies and flower essences. In my research I am finding all kinds of things.

A few years ago, oh, 3-5, I came across neutrinos. This is something scientists ‘stumbled’ upon. They couldn’t make sense of it. Neutrinos are tiny, tiny bits of electrons that go backward in time, so that everything before is now and everything now is before. BUT the scientists say, oh no! we can’t have this! What about Einstein’s theory? We have calculated all this stuff based on what ole’ Albert said. No no no, we will say it’s not that, we will come up with something else. Neutrinos are itty bitty particles of matter with no electrical charge. LOL how awesome is that?!

I’m not sure if you will be able to find anything now about how scientists got all fumbled up brain-wise, they tend to take that stuff off the internet. 

But the Lord keeps bringing me back to neutrinos. I think it was 2002, something like that, I was going to Phoenix First, an assembly of God church here in Phoenix and God told me that prayers have no time with Him. Whatever is prayed for now, can be used 3 years ago [or 20 or whatever], it can be used for the present, or the future. 

Neutrinos have mass

Neutrinos have mass

That was one of those nudges God was doing with me. I didn’t see it then. Nudges are when God nudges me to say, do, think of, research, pray, NOT do, whatEVER, something He wants me to do. I’m picking up on them now, I wasn’t back then. [thank You Father for your patience!]

So, quasars are the brightest stars because, because, are you ready for this??? BECAUSE THEY ARE SO OLD, that when we look at them, it’s as if we are looking BACK into time!!!!

http://skyserver.sdss.org/dr1/en/proj/advanced/quasars/

God is just amazing. We are now, we were then, we are the future. With God, ONE DAY, is like a thousand years and 1000 years….ONE THOUSAND YEARS??? is like ONE DAY.  There is absolutely nothing impossible with God, He is unsearchable, amazing, tender, powerful. WOW!

Neutrinos and prayer!

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/science/what-is-a-neutrino-and-why-should-anyone-but-a-particle-physicist-care

 

Get Off The Fear Pedestal!

 

Let Courage RISE FIRST

Fear, people have fear on a pedestal, as if they think more highly of fear than they do courage. There is good fear and bad fear. This is about bad fear. The kind that paralyzes us so we don’t move, don’t try, don’t do.

When was the last time you heard someone say, I had courage and I did this?

What we normally say or hear is ‘I was afraid too xyz’. I was afraid of rejection, I was afraid of being judged for….not doing it well, being fat, sounding bad, people won’t buy, people won’t like me. Fear is familiar. Absolutely everyone knows fear. But does everyone know courage?

Do you feel better when you are fearful or when you act on courage?

Is living in fear somewhere YOU want to live?  Is living with fear someone you want to live with?  Stop being so darn comfortable with fear! Don’t be crushed by fear. Kick it out of your life!

Do we even hear about people ‘living in’ courage? Being with courage? No, because it’s something we all have to fight through, climb over, deal with. Courage is something we need to DO, take action on! Fear is something we wallow in, that allows us to be less than what God made us to be.

Courage is not commonplace. Stop being common. Stand out, be courageous. So many people are trying to be different. Well, then, live with courage. Take courageous action. Courage is a good word. It brings out the best in us. To live courageously means to live better, at one’s best.

We all feel better when we take action, when we are courageous. So, let’s determine to live courageously, live WITH courage, live IN courage. Fear or courage, whichever one we let rule our lives, is the winner.

Do not fail to live your life because you are fearful!                                                                                     Live WITH courage, not IN fear.

I had a huge revelation today

1-14-18 I’ve been praying Ephesians chapters 1-4 for several months. Billye Brim said on one of the Kenneth Copeland programs last year [2017], around May or June that Hagin said to pray the prayers Paul prayed for us in Ephesians. To put them in our own words, make them personal. So I have been. For months now. I have gotten so many breakthroughs of understanding, it’s been awesome!

So today, I smelled something sort of sour and I was cooking a steak. [I shoulda remembered I smell evil, but I didn’t remember til just now]. After it was cooked, I smelled it again. So I prayed, ‘Jesus, I pray you make this steak good to eat, in Jesus name’. ALL OF A SUDDEN! I said, ‘I command this steak to be good in Jesus name’. And I UNDERSTOOD about the POWER!

WE have the power of God in us if we are born-again followers of Jesus. It is MINE to command. [as long as it’s thru the Blood I speak, and not for selfish gain] I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD IN ME. Not only that, but WHAT I SAY IS WHAT I GET. So, I spoke with my words a blessing and since the power of God is in me, I HAVE Power and since what my mouth says is what I’ll get, WOW! So I have THE Power and when the words of Jesus come thru my mouth, WOW! DOUBLE WHAMMY!

WHAT an amazing revelation I got today!

Oh man, to be so careful what comes out of my mouth now and not fall back into bad language when people are driving badly. God help me!

addendum, later today, every time I say something about the way a person is driving, I’m judging them. I’m to owe no man anything but love. I’m not to judge someone in that way. We ARE to judge, that’s how we know who to stay away from and who to be friends with. However not to judge the way someone is driving, you know what I mean. So I’m judging. No, I don’t feel bad, just enlightened. 

Ana’s Book, My Visions

1-12-18 I’m currently reading Ana Werner’s book, “The Seer’s Path”. If you decide to read it, know that there are a lot of misspellings, one VERY graphic story in there that shouldn’t even be in there and the proofing was slip-shod. THAT SAID, I think you should buy it. [I’m over that ‘put up an affiliate link’] 

It’s a REALLY good book. Ana has us practice doing visions early on. I’m further in the book, but I’m still doing the visions. Jesus said He wants me here ‘for a while’. It’s been a few weeks. He told me yesterday to ‘keep doing the visions, they’re important’. I have had tremendous emotional healing thru doing this. God also told me late Dec to “take a flower essence daily, I don’t care which one, just take it every day”. So I have been. I have them all over the house since I make them and it’s the focus of my new book, “Demystifying Frequencies and Flower Essences”. I generally end up with just once a day, but it’s every day.

I believe it’s because of the essence and practicing having the visions that I’m getting so much break through. Yesterday was huge. You can read it on here.

This morning’s vision, was me, at about 6, putting my hand in Jesus’ and we were walking along. I told Him I love holding hands with him. He smiled.

I probably need to back up some. Ana doesn’t cover this in her book. But when I first started with the visions, Jesus spoke, like we do, out loud, with his mouth moving. When I first had the visions, there was food there and drinks. He drinks tea most of the time, not coffee, because He said it’s cleaner and he likes it better. Remember, this is MY vision, it will be different in yours. *I* took that to mean I should drink tea more instead of coffee. I found out later, that wasn’t so. [go read under the link we talk, he and i]. But He Talked OUT LOUD. He SAID he was doing it that way for me, so that I would be comfortable. The food, the cups, talking out loud. 

BUT NOW, I see, He’s doing the spirit to spirit talking. That just happened that I noticed, today. 1-12-18. He might have done it before, but I didn’t notice. 

Today, when He smiled about me saying I love holding hands with him, he said, ‘that won’t always be so’, but it wasn’t loudly and it wasn’t scary. And He didn’t move his lips. [I’m just not gonna cap the H all the time, he’s not bothered if I don’t]. So we’re walking along and all of a sudden I’m a path, strewn with yellow leaves from a huge tree overhead that is dropping them. It’s FALL! I LOVE kicking leaves and crunching them underfoot. I KNOW Jesus is ahead of me and I’m hurrying to catch up, but enjoying the leaves, how pretty they are, they crunch and it’s just so pretty! I go around the bend in the path, the tree is at the bend and I see Jesus ahead of me, walking along slowly, scuffling thru the leaves, head down, like he’s thinking.

He knows I’m there [cause he’s God]. He turns around and kneels as I run into his arms, out of breath. I was SO happy! Happy He’s there, happy to see him, happy about the leaves. We started walking along, my hand in his. I asked, “why are the leaves yellow”? He said, “because you like them. They’re crunchy too, because you like it”. He smiled at me. “Did you feel the crunch”? “Yes”, I said. “I LIKED it”! I asked, “do the yellow leaves mean something else too”? He said, “yes, but that’s for later”.

I was in bed when I had this vision. Snuggled up under the covers where it was warm. I snuggled deeper because that’s how God makes me feel. Loved, warm and safe.

I am just reveling in the new knowledge I have that I’m average. It sure doesn’t mean to me what it means to most people. It means I don’t have to try [so] hard? No, it means I don’t have to try to be: I don’t have to be someone I’m not, I don’t have to heal anyone, I don’t have to teach anyone, I don’t have to excel at anything, I don’t have to be better than, or smarter than, or richer than, or louder than. I CAN JUST BE ME. OH! what a feeling! THIS is where SELF LOVE comes in to play. THIS is where ‘love your neighbor as yourself’ happens! I am now free, to not only love me, but to BE me. 

So when i was in the spa room this morning, there’s still a lot of stuff I haven’t gotten rid of. God smiled and said, “because I know you like concocting things, so it’s still there for you to do, if you want too”.

I don’t have to keep all the stuff for a business. IT”S NOT MY PROBLEM. And since the Bible says I have whatever I say, I’ve been ‘saying’ all morning. I am so happy. I’m so grateful to Jesus/God for setting me free of that HORRIBLE bondage.

I really AM going to enjoy MY life!

Not Sure I Can Do This God 1-9-18

1-9-18. Yep, it’s been a while since I posted. Instead of going thru why, I’m just gonna post. Besides, I mostly am writing to God or myself anyway.

God, I’m not sure I can do this. I know I told You I would go forward with you in 2013, but at this point, I’m not sure I can. But I can’t go back. I am stuck. 

___________

This path you have me on, these flower essences and frequencies, this book You wanted me to write. It all feels like I’m reading things into things. I DO know YOU called things that were not, into being. But this isn’t like that. This is reading what *I* think it is, into it. 

God, don’t you trust me to speak to you thru my Spirit? 

Me, apparently not. I KNOW that you direct me even when I don’t know it. But are you doing this ALL the time? Noooo, Because if you were, I would not make so many mistakes. I mean, really God. You tell me SO MANY things and first off, it’s SO enlightening and exciting, but second, it’s FRIGHTENING to a person who is a lot more grey now, but still, the black and white rears it’s head. Like yesterday, in our convo, I guess I may as well put the whole thing here. Seriously God, I am really upset with You that You tell me to STILL put my personal stuff online. I think I’m just upset at this whole thing.

So yesterday, 1-8-18 [no, the number is not lost on me] and btw, that prophetic word Mike Maiden gave me in 2004 about the number 18, what does THAT mean??

“struggling with fear and mindsets. 

me, what about dealing with all these new agers? How am I supposed to differentiate? 

God, you don’t. 

me, what labels do I put on it?

God, no label, not everything has to have a label, some things just ARE

me, then how do I understand it? 

God, go with the flow. Set yourself free, stop putting a fence around yourself. *I* don’t do that to you. YOU do that to you. You agree with the devil and allow a fence to be put around you because you fear. You fear because you were born in sin and that’s what people do. They fear instead of fly. 

LORD! how are we supposed to FLY if we have all this fear in and around us?

God, By trust. In Me.

me, how are we supposed to GET there? 

God, surrendering to me. Flowers, plants, nature, commune with nature. Those other people are not so far off Janine, it’s who they are worshipping, not what they are doing. “

That, right there. God, you tell me stuff like that and it blows me away, freaks me out, I TRY, you KNOW I try. ‘not what they are doing’. God, seriously. I get that YOU think I’m the right person for this. I get that YOU take the stubborn and stupid to do those things that YOU want us to do, so YOU get the glory. I’m good with that. Except I think that doing this, I’m reading things into it. What if it’s not you? What if I’m wrong in a BIG way? Yep, fear. You betcha. [ maybe I should rename this blog, ‘notes from the stubborn and stupid’.  *rueful grin*]

 I KNOW I said I’ll fly with You, I’ll soar with You. I’ll have no fear. I’ve done fairly well, Until yesterday. I’m overwhelmed with trying to do things the way I think You’ve told me to do AND loosen up and have fun. 

So the rest of our chat? What brought this all up? The dream I woke up with. [ I want it on record God, that I greatly dislike putting my ‘stuff’ out there. If I dared to be blatantly disobedient, I would be. I know I’ll get over this, At some point]

The Trump Dream

I was at the White House. I had a female friend with me. She had dark hair. We were walking down a wide hall on the second floor. There was a guy walking toward us, it was “Jay” from Madam Secretary. I wanted him to like me, but he liked my friend and I was more interested meeting the President of the United States, so that was ok. 

We were in the Presidents office. he came in. We talked a bit. It was very informal. 

I wanted to be remembered for something. I wanted other people to know I had been there. I went up to where he was sitting and massaged his shoulders. There was a place that he found was painful on his side, by his ribs, when I massaged it. He was surprised it was there. 

I asked if he liked the massage, he shrugged and said yes. 

It was time to leave, although none of we visitors wanted too. President Trump had to get back to work. The gal friend had on, at this point, a maroon coat and a maroon, knitted, slouch hat. ‘Jay’ had on a very dark green, knitted, slouch hat. It was winter outside. There was snow on the ground, the trees were bare and white. It was cold. 

We all were walking down a wide hallway. We were laughing, the President would smile every so often. I asked President Trump for something from the White House, like a match book or something, so people would know that I had been there. He kept walking, not saying anything. He went down the wide staircase. We all went with him. 

President Trump knew I was afraid to fly and he was trying to get my mind off of it. He showed us the snack place. It was at the bottom of the stairs, there was a popcorn machine, the red and white kind, on a stand, off to the right. It had fresh popcorn in it and round bins of all different flavors, sweet and savory. I knew I couldn’t have the popcorn due to what it does to my gut, so I went into a room on the left. In here were all kinds of stuff. Coffees, sodas, but what caught my eye were all the chocolates. The finest chocolates in the world were in here. I started putting handfuls in my purse. Even though I knew I shouldn’t have sugar. I did it anyway. Then after I filled up my purse, I looked at it and thought, ‘I can’t even eat all that, I need to take it out’.

But before I could take it out, President Trump got us all together, he was trying to get us shooed out. I was trying to take a selfie with him and get him to laugh. Its rare that people aren’t laughing when they are with me. He was so tall. The gal friend and ‘Jay’ were laughing it up over their antics on the left side of Trump, I was on his right side. Then I said something that he thought was funny or something happened he thought was funny and he started laughing and he really loosened up. That’s when i got the selfie with him. He was bent over at the shoulders, toward me, laughing with me. 

I asked him if he would say something in public about me the next time he was in public, so people would know that I’ve been there. I wasn’t sure he had heard me, but I knew he had heard me. 

When I was home I heard on the radio President Trump said, “Janine has faith”.

I thought it would be on tv or a press conference. It was on the RADIO of all places! I thought it was odd but that’s what he said and that’s where he said it. I wondered how in the world did he know I have faith or not? And why did he say THAT as opposed to something else? 

_________________________________________

 The day went downhill from when God said, ‘it’s not what they are doing, it’s who they are worshipping’. I thought I figured out a lot of the dream. I don’t eat stuff that physically hurts me, but i do eat stuff that hurts me, but I don’t feel it or see it. Sugar is bad for the bones. I need bone growth. [yes, I’m standing on His Word, even that was brought into this mess yesterday] So I do things I know I shouldn’t, disregarding their effects on me. The flesh is weak. Apparently I only pay attention to those things I can see and feel. 

So my prayer was, ‘Father deliver me from mindsets of fear. Fear to step out, fear to FLY with You. I knew it was NOT fear of flying in an airplane, cause I’m not. I’m afraid to fly with God. Which means I’m not trusting Him. 

I have fear of FREEDOM. [gads what kind of revelation is THAT???] Fear of making a mistake. fear of people, putting more stock in people’s thought of me, than of God’s thoughts of me.  

Right before I went to sleep on 1-5-18, this is what God said to me: Helping people to have visions, see themselves in the room with God, with Jesus, and Jesus healing their little ones. Using flower essences, guided imagery.

I freaked out. I actually said on my note I wrote [in evernote]. oh my God. [I never say that]

I also remembered when I went out back to sit in the rocker, I had had another dream. That dream was that the HUGE passion flower vine I have in my backyard was completely bare of leaves. Completely. 

Then I did a freak out on text to someone. “Is there REALLY enough TIME left to take ME from where I am to where He wants me????? To where YOU are???? Do I HEAR well enough? Can I get PAST the mindsets? Can I?

Is it possible to counter the rigidity of Christianity? [other people, not me ]

And who the hell am I to think ANYONE will listen to me? Where in the world do I fit in NOW? 

Once I publish a book, or write on a blog or open my mouth, it’s gonna be all over but the shoutin’. Oh, my, God. 

This word that I got from a gal on facebook on 1-5-18: “As I prayed and asked Holy Spirit to show me something for you, this is what I got. I saw in a field you dancing and praising the Lord. Then I saw a dandelion all in seed. I heard the Lord say Blow on it my Daughter and the seeds that you plant will go far and wide. Not to underestimate your words. I am the one that carries them on the wind to many places. You are a planter of many seeds. Your harvest is plentiful. Look into my face and see the joy you bring me. You are my beloved and I am yours. Be filled with Joy this day. For my joy is your strength and I will provide all that you have need of. As you walk and talk with me I will show you many things. Get ready for your harvest. You have planted many seeds.

________

And I’ve been under attack ever since without realizing it was an attack. I _must_ remember that ‘what if’ is fear. That anything negative in my head, is not God. It’s me or the enemy. If it’s me, then it’s fear and fear is the enemy, so it all goes back to – it’s the enemy or it’s God. I’m the pawn. Why would I ever think bad things of myself? [besides being wired too because of my past, but that’s different]. The Bible says we are the pawns. Ephesians 3:10 New Living Translation: God’s purpose in all this was to use the church [people are the church, NOT a building!] to display his wisdom in its rich variety to all the unseen rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. That makes us pawns. Pawns with a Purpose. PWAP. I’m a PWAP

So the upshot of all this? no leaves on the vine – passion is gone, healing is gone. [no idea, just trying for something]. Trump dream, I have faith. That and 2 bits will get me a hair cut. I need bone growth in my jaw. [yes yes, i hear myself]. 

If anyone actually reads this, pray for me. 

wow. I think the cat is out of the bag now. Re-reading this for proofing. I might as well publish the book, write the blog and start talking it. I already walk it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is “IT”????

People say, ‘he has ‘it’’, or “she has ‘it’”. Others say, “what IS ‘it’”?

No one seems to be able to put their finger on ‘it’. Let me tell you what IT is.

It’s an almost ethereal quality that is palpable, but until now, undefinable. It is the total opposite of self-absorbed, self-centered and selfish. 

It’s a part of the personality. It’s confidence, confidence in your personality, in who you are. It’s not depending on one’s looks to get by, it’s one who is interested in others and interesting.

It’s someone with a sense of humor, confident in who they are, what they have to offer. Confident you can make others laugh, or feel good, confidence that is past what you look like, past what you weigh.

“IT” is not something you can achieve, it’s a quality that comes with being kind, considerate, being comfortable in your own skin. Not thinking about your self, but thinking about others.

It’s chutzpah. It’s good looks and a sense of humor. It’s a sexual chutzpah that exudes sexuality which translates into sexiness, but it is not trying to be sexy, it’s not overt, it just is sexy. It’s sexual chutzpah. Confident in how you are received by others, knowing what to say, when and how to say it. 

It’s confidence. Being more interested in listening to others than wanting to talk about yourself. 

It’s joie de vivre. The art of living fully, laughing loudly. 

It’s the same confidence that exudes from you, when you are dressed up or dressed well. Beard trimmed, make-up on. It’s just further than that. It’s a part of the innate personality. It’s not ‘charm’, but charm has something to do with it. 

ALL this translates into a sense of sexiness. It’s less about what you look like, but all about how you live life, make others feel and CONFIDENCE in yourself.