11-6-17 I have a choice today. A choice to stay angry and hurt at all the things my ex husband is doing, since he started staying with me 2 weeks ago while he’s in between jobs, or to choose to live my life differently. TODAY. I have been practicing forgiveness and praying for him for 2 weeks. That’s not an easy thing in itself already. It’s not like it’s a once a day deal. The reasons we are divorced are still there. We normally get along, unless we are together for too long a time. Three days is usually the max. This has been 2 weeks with one left to go.
But this morning, before I even got out of bed, it seems to all have come to a head. I had a bad dream about him, caused by my own accusatory mouthiness the night before. So all I have inside me is anger at him being the way he is and not caring enough about me, to make changes. At least, that’s how I see it.
A friend of mine on face book posted something this morning that said, “Be the gift, be gentle with each other today” and I realize I have a choice. That choice ‘they’ all say we have. That choice that is a step and is most of the time, hard to take, because it’s easier to wallow in self pity and staying angry because we’re so used to being angry at that person or situation. It is easier to stay in the crummy mood we’re in, because we’re so used to it. Or because making a decision to stop being angry means we have to change the way we’re thinking and change is hard. Or because we have to turn loose of being offended, of having our rights, the right to be treated better, the right to be loved, the right to hurt, we have to let that all go.
I am smack dab in the middle of letting go of my right to be hurt because someone is being himself. [yes, the import of that is not lost on me] I am crying as I write this. It’s hard to be hurt and let it go. It feels like I am pushing down, burying, my feelings. Like I’m not allowing myself to hurt. But that is a lie from the enemy of my soul. Satan. That is an old ploy and I recognize it now. I am not burying my feelings. I am crying, therefore, I am feeling them. I am writing about them, therefore i am feeling them.
Because I realize this, now I am set free in my inner woman. [woo hoo!]
We all love having choices right? My choices are to remain in a state of stress, like it’s been for some days, or make a conscious choice, without using force on myself, to accept those things I cannot change and to stop trying to change those things that will not change. To tell myself, as we did in basic training, ‘this is not the Army, this is only basic training’, AND to celebrate the days left of him being around AND to LAY ASIDE every expectation, every hurt that comes my way and leave it alone. Don’t pick it up, just leave it on the ground or let it zing on past me. Those poison arrows are, indeed, intended for me, but if I don’t pick them up, I can’t be hurt by them. It may seem like a tall order, but in reality, it’s making a choice to live in health. [God reminded me this morning to take a flower essence, I’ll have to see which one deals in stress]
TODAY, I make my choice to be unoffendable. I take back the power I’ve given to another to offend me, make me angry or hurt me. [the understanding of this concept is coming to me] I make my choice for my self. To attend to my needs. To love me more than another and in the doing, I will love them. Love your neighbor as yourself says the Bible.
I choose to BE and ACT differently than I have recently, thereby changing how I feel in the process. To celebrate these days he will be here and to not expect to make silk out of a sow’s ear. [and I choose to leave the house for a while and to open the windows and doors to the beautiful 80F weather, exchanging the inside air for the fresh air and negative ions]
I choose life over death.