I am CONVICTED of my selfishness and self-absorption.
God told me to ‘use and sell flower essences’. He told me to write a book on it for people to understand it. God said ‘it’s mine and I want it back’. And I’ve been making it about me. MY fears, MY concerns, how I will look if I am wrong in the book.
God love me, I’ve rolled my eyes – more than once.
I am APPALLED at my behaviors and reactions. Thank God for His mercy and grace and PATIENCE.
This is SO not about me. It’s not about me. It’s about God. It’s about what HE wants. It’s not about whether or not I think He’s crazy for asking ME to do this. Just who do I think I am, telling God He should pick someone else? Who am I to not joyfully embrace what He told me to do? WHO AM I to think I know more or better than God? That is my biggest failing. Oh God, forgive me.
I am so…ashamed is the best word…of how I’ve acted with this and that I – who most will tell you is the least selfish person they know – I have taken pride in that. Oh God, forgive me. It doesn’t matter about others, what they think or don’t think. What matters is You and what you think and what You want.
I can not _believe_ how selfish I am! Look what the Moravians did. God, forgive me, forgive me. I repent.
I am reading “Fire On The Altar” by Frank “JJ” Di Pietro and J. D. King. What an AMAZING recount of the Moravians, John Wesley and others.
Forgiveness and hurt. It’s not that I want to keep and hold on to the hurt, it’s that I want you to hurt as much as I hurt, because then you will know how much I hurt and you will care and you will not do it again. That’s what we all think anyway. It rarely works.
So people continue to hurt people. I hurt you, you hurt me. Instead, there is a better way. Forgiveness sets us free. You don’t even know I’m angry at you if you are not around me. So stress, many sicknesses caused by stress and anger, these can all be gone from us if we forgive others. If we truly let go of the pain, the hurt, the wanting to get back at them.
Hurt is unforgiveness. Release the hurt, release the unforgiveness. This means to let go of the pain, let go of the fear, let go of the anger. Let it go and get on with your life.
Read a book by John Bevere called, ‘The Bait of Satan’. or watch it here.
There are two basic types of gracious people in the world. Those that are gracious from a kind heart and those that are gracious on the surface only.
A gracious person will see everyone as equal and treat all with kindness and respect.
I think for the most part, people put themselves and others in boxes. We should all remember, each person has giftings. Ours may not mesh with theirs and that’s ok! We’re not meant to mesh with everyone. But we should always be gracious.
Gracious means being kind and speaking thoughtful words. Graciousness is often superficial, but sometimes what is on the surface is good enough. Being gracious is being tactful, not hurtful. Being gracious means paying attention to those at a party that often feel left out. Being gracious is making eye contact with everyone in the group, not just one. Being gracious is calling a homeless person at a shelter, a guest.
Being gracious means being compassionate. It means being courteous.
A gracious person is slow to take credit and quick to lavish praise. Graciousness shows a propensity to be generous and helpful. The mark of a gracious person is how they treat someone who can be of absolutely no use to them. A gracious person asks for forgiveness if they offend another. A gracious person asks for forgiveness even when they know it wasn’t their fault.
Gracious people give; they give of themselves, their time, their smiles, approval, friendship, money, gifts, with no strings attached. They are never greedy, stingy or grabbing. You don’t have to feel like you are walking on eggshells in exchange for their favor. Gracious people think about others, what they can give, how they can help – and they do it. They listen to another speaking, not forming what they want to say in their minds.
A gracious person has warmth. They may argue, but are not out of control and they are never cold to others. The opposite of love is not hate…it is cool indifference. Gracious people never exhibit cool indifference to others.
We should treat everyone the same. Be kind, be thoughtful. Gracious words from a kind heart bring health to the body of the person speaking them.
I ALWAYS felt alone. Rejected by my mother, I wasn’t the type of child she wanted. Rejected by my sister, she only wants perfect people in her life – I always felt alone. Molested by my grandfather, with no one to help because they didn’t know, I always felt alone. Full of fear and so alone.
When I became a Christian, I struggled in the Lord. OH! How I’ve struggled. I figured I wasn’t smart enough, good enough or worthwhile enough. I grew up thinking I never measured up, so how could I, as a Christian, measure up to all these things that Christians are supposed to be? I didn’t have the training others had, it seemed I just didn’t know enough or understand well enough.
I was the johnny-come-lately, the one behind the 8-ball, the outcast, the black sheep. I was the one that wasn’t wanted or loved. The one that didn’t have anyone in her corner. Or so I thought.
I have been a follower of Jesus for 38 years now. Following hard after Him for 35 yrs. It was in 2015 that I realized God loves me. That’s a long time to struggle to understand it, find it out, figure it out. It was an epiphany. I had just told my earthly Dad he can’t tell me what to do in my life or run my life or talk down to me, and all of a sudden, I realized HOW God is my Father. How LOVING God is.
I’d also had an epiphany of God loving me in 2002, going camping, late start, we set up camp in the dark, with a monsoon coming on. Woke up in the middle of the night with the foot of my sleeping bag outside the tent, where it was soaking wet. The water had wicked up the zipper, but I was dry and warm. There was damp on either side of my pillow, happy for me, when I sleep, I don’t move or move much. I had a deep fear of hypothermia at the time and I asked God to not let my head get wet. Upon awakening in the morning, both sides of my pillow were completely wet thru, but I wasn’t wet.
Getting out of the tent, we saw a wadi. A wadi is a depression in the earth that looks like where a river should go, but it’s dry in normal weather. Until monsoons hit and then it’s a torrent of rushing water. Our tent was on the EDGE of the wadi. A few more inches and we would have drowned. That’s a pretty powerful God, that can stop someone from doing something in the pitch dark, without them even knowing it.
On January 28, 2017, I had a new epiphany on prayer.
I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know what I was praying about, or thinking about, or crying to God about, but all of a sudden I knew that the reason i am getting through areas of blockages in my life NOW, is because someone prayed for me! Some of my ancestors prayed for me!
I was floored, a feeling of relief washed over me, I started crying. [cause that’s what *I* do! LOL ] The scripture that says ‘there is a great cloud of witnesses around us’ Hebrews 12:1 – took on new meaning.
SOMEONE PRAYED FOR ME! OMGOSH, I WASN’T ALONE! click on the title to listen
As I was reading Ephesians yesterday, I realized that Paul prayed for me as well! Ephesians 1:16-19; 3:15-19.
The holy and revered apostle Paul, prayed for ME! OH. MY. GOSH! It all ties in!
So you see we are not alone. We not only have a great cloud of witnesses in the spiritual world around us, we also have the prayers of our ancestors surrounding us and uplifting us!
Sometimes I still get the fear that people will think I’m just absolutely so stupid that I didn’t know all this years ago. But even in the face of that fear, I still keep writing my journal online because God told me to do so in 2003 and He hasn’t said I could quit yet. [I asked in 2016, several times] So if what I write helps even one person, the ripple effect will be huge. So I just plow thru the feelings of inferiority and spill my guts for everyone to see, because this is one of the things God has told me to do.
Just think! At some point [and I hope it’s soon!], I’m going to have confidence in myself and what I know. And won’t that be a fine day!
A bunch of women. A bunch of dogs. Someone prophesied over me in a restaurant.
She said you are to send your son to and it was either Starwest school or NOT starwest school, not these other two schools that she named. NO MATTER WHAT YOU HEAR people tell you, no matter what you think of the other schools. They have scholarships you can get. I had heard it was a private school. My son was very small like 6 or 7.
Which was the same thing someone had told me earlier.
The gal that told me this was slightly taller than me, short dark hair and very friendly. All the women here were friendly. Some other gal came up and I was excitedly telling her what these two had told me, I was swaying back and forth and then I was on the floor, slain in the spirit.
I knew that everyone was looking at me. I was between two tables and it was awkward, my feet were crossed and up on the legs of a chair, it was weird and I knew it, but I was just reveling and feeling Holy Spirit all over me. I was happy.
There was a room where pregnant girls were going to give birth. Some of these girls were very young, one looked like she was 12 or younger. They were all very tiny girls, and shorter than me. They were going into this tiny room to have their babies. I went in this room, taken in by someone giving me a tour, saw some newborns and left, going by girls through the doorway, squeezing by, that were going in.
There was a military kitchen, a bunch of women were there, sitting on stools at a counter, turned around facing us as we came in. It didn’t look like much of a kitchen. One woman said yes all these people come here and she started naming names that were supposedly celebrity type names. One name she said was Joe Sammis. Someone I knew when I was young. I said, Joe Sammis? Joe Sammis comes here? That made me curious and wonder what was going on, because it was a military kitchen and he wasn’t military. She said yes and another woman was shepherding me out of there, thru a smaller, side room, telling the women there that I knew Joe for years. I wondered how she knew. It seemed to be secretive, although they seemed pleasant and friendly.
I went through a room that was a barracks and it was all these beds. I said ‘I recognize that’, it was a bed with several pairs of socks laid out on it. There was someone leading me through these rooms, and I said ‘yes, I was a WAC’ and she was leading me out the door. Only one or two knew what that was.
All this time I was looking for my dog. I got to this room it was a bar. There were military men there. One guy was lighting a cigar with some new-fangled lighter another was doing the same thing with a different new fangled lighter, but it looked more familiar. Sgt showed me a telephone it was very high on the wall with a loudspeaker type thing. And he reached up and he was saying what kind of dog is it? And I said it’s part Jack Russell and part poodle and his name is Pico, he’s 14lbs.
So he got on the old fashioned telephone, the kind on the wall, where you hang up the ear part on a hook and started talking, long and slow, “it’s part cheee wah wah and poodle”. Was he trying to be funny? I laughed and touched his arm and said “no, he’s part jack russell and part poodle and his name is Pico” Everyone on the phone could hear me and he held out the ear part receiver so they would.
Then I was in some room that was very long and I thought it was someone’s home, and I walked through one home after another, and there was all these artworks and delicious good things to eat, and I got to this final room and there was things to eat that I hadn’t seen before but looked good. Very good things and books and paintings and grapes and long grape tendrils – it was so pretty in there – and ice cream. Chocolate and a dark purplish one in the shape of a book or pages. The ODDEST looking thing and too big to eat really. But I daintily grabbed one and ate it as I walked out the door to the outside, preparing to leave. The outside was as beautiful as the inside. Wide expanse of garden. Dirt could be seen, it was all on a sloping hillside. Roses, cosmos [light, airy, tall flowers], bushes dotting the landscape. There was a beautiful staircase. Old, weathered wood, long sliver-like pieces coming off in spots, rounded edges, like eucalyptus wood. Weathered white and grey. Very wide. I walked down the stairs and they were very long from the top of the hill to the bottom. They were very elegant. There is a gal walking down in front of me and she had on a flowy dress. I also had on a dress, and as I stepped down this long staircase, my dress would billow out, like an elegant ladies’ would. I got to the bottom and I said that was so pretty! And I looked up to the house up on the top and it was actually a house turned into an art store/studio of some sort.
I went somewhere and I found my dog somebody had taken him as their own, I had to go through all these dogs that looked very similar to mine. And some of them acted like they were mine, like they knew who I was. They were all little. small. white dogs. Cute but none of them are mine. And then I went into a room and there was my dog and somebody had a chain/leash on him and when he saw me, he was so excited, he broke the chain and came running to me. I picked him up. He could hear me calling him, but couldn’t come because he was chained up. But when he saw me, he broke free.
I got in a car with my dog. Somebody was trying to stop me, the car was packed with all of my belongings. It was like a van. There were two seats in the front, some gal got in next to me and I backed out, while someone tried to block me in with their cadillac long car, but he couldn’t. [he had a mustache and looked evil]. Others tried to block me in, but I backed out and manuevered my way out. I woke up.
The young mother was sleeping with a male, but it was just platonic. She needed a bf. It was looking like a male Dr. Was going to be the bf.
Each of the women was on hold on the phone waiting for news of the little boy. Ea woman had to leave for some reason, til the young, irresponsible mother had to wait on the phone. She didn’t hold the phone (old style receiver) to her ear like to the others. She was acting young & stupid, it looked like she had nothing on under the white man’s shirt she was wearing. Then she pulled something up and I saw underwear.
She picked up the phone and listened, heard a recording saying someone could come and pick up the little boy. That now was a good time. If they waited he wouldnt get any better.
She asked the doctor if he would drive her because she didn’t have a car and she didn’t have any other way to get there. He did. It turns out the little boy was in a hyperbaric chamber, and the chamber had malfunctioned the day before and it sucked the air/life out of him before it put it back. That’s why he had to go back in the hospital. So the dr. saw what happened, and made sure the incubator thing was working. I woke up.
I just watched a vid from Lance Wallnau about the Leviathan spirit. I think it’s pretty important, so I’m putting it here for others to know as well.
Leviathan spirit. Like a crocodile or alligator. It’s jaw doesn’t move back and forth like a human’s, it only moves up and down and it’s always trying to latch on to something. A Word, a person, a thought, a communication – it will latch onto whatever it can grasp and latches on. As soon as it latches on, it sinks its teeth in and then goes into what is known as a ‘death spiral’, it spins in order to dismember and pulls down, trying to suffocate it’s victim.
If leviathan can suffocate its victim, it can take them into his territories.
Many have had relationships that are anointed and blessed by God and because of some misunderstanding, some incident, some twisted miscommunication that anointed relationship is broken. What Satan does is he goes into relationships that are meant to be together so the anointing is disconnected.
If that key person is pulled out of your life, the anointing that is on them and the resources they carry is disconnected from your destiny.
So Satan loves to dismember and divide all the time. Because he has multiple heads, he can work through more than one person at a time.
The key is to stay out of strife. Take heed how you hear and take heed what you hear. What you hear is going to become how you hear and if someone we are listening to, is toxic or has an agenda or the wrong spirit, then the spirits that twist the meanings of things to them, will start to twist our understanding also. That’s how powerful that spirit is.
So in the name of Jesus, I bind the spirit of leviathan in the body of Christ, I break the teeth of this spirit, that it cannot control us or make us afraid.
We are not so old. We are not as tired as we think. We tell ourselves all of that when we see photos of young people doing things.
WE have wisdom, understanding. WE know how to do xyz. WE can do things NOW, we couldn’t possibly do at their age and neither can they!
Some things take years to learn; skills, knowledge, confidence, know-how.
STOP looking at photos of younger people making leaps and in-roads in social media, in business, in life, thinking you are too old to contribute! Stop thinking you are too old to help another!
Stop thinking THEY are the innovative ones.
WE STILL have GIFTS to give to others. WE are the ones that have the SKILLS and KNOWLEDGE and UNDERSTANDING. US! THEY DON”T! Because they haven’t lived a life long enough.
I noticed when I just looked at a photo of young people getting innovative awards, I got tired. Thinking, ‘why bother’.
BECAUSE IF I DON’T, IF YOU DON’T, IT WON’T HAPPEN. The books won’t be written, the classes won’t be taught, the wisdom won’t be shared.
IF WE DO NOT SHARE THE WISDOM WE HAVE LEARNED AND GAINED THROUGH THE YEARS, who will?
If we think we’re ‘too old’, WHO then will give the gifts we have? WHO?
There are MILLIONS of people waiting for our wisdom, our strength, our understanding, our laughter.
Younger women WANT to be taught how to be a homemaker; how to evangelize, how to have a happy marriage, how to be a godly mother, how to can, how to obey God, how to have fun, how to live, how to be happy, how to knit, how to a million things.
Older women must teach younger women. You don’t HAVE to do it one on one, you can do it through writing a book, being a speaker, reading to children at the library, there are hundreds of ways to share your gifts and what you know.
Just STOP thinking you are ‘too old’ or ‘too tired’. You have gifts in you to share!
We’re told not to say ‘I don’t like this person’, but rather, ‘I don’t like what they are doing’.
When we say about someone, ‘they are mean’, or ‘they are so manipulative’, it’s the same thing. God told me I am NOT to say any of the above. He said my words carry missiles on them and to say something like that, seals those words over whomever I am saying them about. [as well, anything good I say seals it as well. The Word He gave me is pretty impressive, but I’m so worried about messing up, I am not looking at it from that point of view. yess yess, worry is a sin, would you rather I say I am ‘concerned’? eh]