How She Thinks

Roads of Memories

As a child, I would skip along different roads, some were adventure roads, some were dark roads, some were discovery roads and some were sad roads.

Love Road. My grandfather was a 33rd degree Mason. That was an honorary degree because 32 was the highest they could go. Oh! HOW I loved him! He taught me my times tables. He had the patience when no one else did. He let me ride on his lap when he was on the riding lawn mower. We’re talking 1958-62. My grandparents were well-off.

Adventure Road. I was his favorite. Just between my sister and I. I was never around him when he was around my two cousins.  I was with him when he made furniture, I remember the vise on his workbench. I even have his hammer. The handle is dry and cracked, but it’s his hammer.

Road of Travel. I was around my paternal grand-parents a lot. I have no idea where my sister was. I lived with my grand-parents in the 4th grade, [my mother said I was ‘incorrigible’] and I lived with them from the 10th grade through when I went into the Army when I was 19.

Road of Embarrassment. I used to wet the bed as a kid. Until I was like 10 or 11 I wet the bed. My grandmother, bless her soul, would get up in the middle of the night and change my sheets. She couldn’t stand the thought of me laying on wet sheets and she thought if I had dry sheets, I would learn how nice it felt.

Long ago & far away

Comfort Road. I also sucked my thumb. It wasn’t something I could control. I did it all the time as a child. My mother and step-father would paint my thumbnail with that awful stuff, then go off to work. I would soak my thumb in the dog’s water dish to get it off. Even now, when I am in the deep rem sleep, I suck my thumb.

Road of Confusion. My grandparents had a 2 bedroom house and the back bedroom was my grandfathers. It was a high bed. I could crawl under it and have room to spare. During the day once, when I was about 6 or 7, I was caught humping a towel under the bed. My grandmother was HORRIFIED. I knew it was wrong, but that was the only place I knew to do it. I remember I had a pleasant feel from it. When I saw her reaction, I was scared I would be in trouble. I didn’t know it was that bad! She ordered me out from under the bed and watched me like a hawk the rest of the day. ‘Whaaa’??? I thought. I did it all the time because it felt good. I was 6, what did I know? Apparently too much.

Beautiful

Road of Beauty. It was around that age that my mother made my sister and I matching princess dresses. They were sleeveless red satin bodices, with a HUGE full skirt that she overlayed with red tulle and put sequins on. OH MY! It was THE most beautiful thing I had ever owned! We would twirl around fast and sit down quickly and the skirt part would flare out and we would be sitting the middle of this huge concoction of satin, tulle and sparkles! Every little girl should have such a dress.

Road of Darkness. I was afraid most of the time. Afraid of the dark, afraid of men, afraid of big dogs, afraid I wouldn’t have enough to eat, afraid I would be attractive to men, but wanting to be; afraid of loud noises, afraid of fear.

Road of Sadness. In 1992 my mother said she didn’t want to be my mother anymore. She would be a mother to my sister, but not to me.

Road of Wisdom. When I got older and became a Jesus follower, I began to understand some things. After many years of following Jesus, I moved to a new State and went to a class at a local church where they had the whole class say things out loud, renouncing demonic stuff. It was a class on inner healing and deliverance. When they got to the part of murder, I started crying. I was horrified I was crying in a room of strangers! What in the world??!! I was in the middle, I couldn’t just get up and leave! I had no clue what was going on.

Road of Discovery. From 2004 to 2011, every 2-3 months I would go to the home of Inner Healing and Deliverance counselors and get healed and delivered of demons.

long, cold road

The male of the couple, Scott, he sure went through stuff with me. Hating men, many times he would have to stay away from me. I learned stuff. I learned why I was afraid of men. I learned why I acted like a clown all the time. I learned why I was afraid of the dark. Remember that Masonic grandfather?

He used to take me as a baby and toddler and young girl to his meetings. He did bad things. He let others do bad things. Which is why I was so afraid of so many things. It also explained the ‘Presence’ in the closet with me when I would hide. [it was an angel of God]. I also learned my earthly dad did bad things. I got a whole lot of revelation into why I acted like I did all my life!

cool road

Road of Healing. But you know something? Scott said he was amazed that I was prophetic and could hear God through all that stuff inside me. but that just proves that scripture – Ephesians 2:7 “ So God can point to me in all future ages as an example of the awesome wealth of His grace and kindness toward me, as shown in all He has done for me who is united with Jesus the Messiah”.

Freedom Road. All roads lead somewhere. We can choose which road we want to travel on when we are older. We can continue to live on the Road of Sadness or the Road of Fear or the Road of Rebellion, or we can choose a different road for ourselves. Truly. It’s not a ‘blinding light’ sort of thing. It’s as simple as choosing to live differently. It’s choosing what to think about and how to live.

freedom road

We can each choose the low road or the high road.  We can choose to ‘do it ourselves’ and not accomplish much on the inside of us, or we can submit to the Higher Power, Jesus, asking Him to forgive us and help us.

Remember the thumb sucking? Some wounded part of me is still wounded. I would say probably 90% of me is healed. We all have residual ‘stuff’ that needs to be cleaned up because we live in this world. However I am on the Road of Blessing. I am a different person than I was even just 7 yrs ago. Everyone that knew me now and knew me then, sees it. More than anything, I hope if you are hurt and/or don’t know Jesus, that you ask him to forgive you of everything you’ve done wrong and ask him to take your life and do something with it. 

There’s nothing like being on the other side of the Road of Fear and being on the Road of Freedom, Love and Courage

 

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