How She Thinks

My Road – Alone


originally published on another blog 2-1-17.

I ALWAYS felt alone. Rejected by my mother, I wasn’t the type of child she wanted. Rejected by my sister, she only wants perfect people in her life – I always felt alone. Molested by my grandfather, with no one to help because they didn’t know, I always felt alone. Full of fear and so alone.

Even the moon hides

When I became a Christian, I struggled in the Lord. OH! How I’ve struggled. I figured I wasn’t smart enough, good enough or worthwhile enough. I grew up thinking I never measured up, so how could I, as a Christian, measure up to all these things that Christians are supposed to be? I didn’t have the training others had, it seemed I just didn’t know enough or understand well enough. 

I was the johnny-come-lately, the one behind the 8-ball, the outcast, the black sheep. I was the one that wasn’t wanted or loved. The one that didn’t have anyone in her corner. Or so I thought. 

lonely little girl

I have been a follower of Jesus for 38 years now. Following hard after Him for 35 yrs. It was in 2015 that I realized God loves me. That’s a long time to struggle to understand it, find it out, figure it out. It was an epiphany. I had just told my earthly Dad he can’t tell me what to do in my life or run my life or talk down to me, and all of a sudden, I realized HOW God is my Father. How LOVING God is. 

I’d also had an epiphany of God loving me in 2002, going camping, late start, we set up camp in the dark, with a monsoon coming on. Woke up in the middle of the night with the foot of my sleeping bag outside the tent, where it was soaking wet. The water had wicked up the zipper, but I was dry and warm. There was damp on either side of my pillow, happy for me, when I sleep, I don’t move or move much. I had a deep fear of hypothermia at the time and I asked God to not let my head get wet. Upon awakening in the morning, both sides of my pillow were completely wet thru, but I wasn’t wet. 

Getting out of the tent, we saw a wadi. A wadi is a depression in the earth that looks like where a river should go, but it’s dry in normal weather. Until monsoons hit and then it’s a torrent of rushing water. Our tent was on the EDGE of the wadi. A few more inches and we would have drowned. That’s a pretty powerful God, that can stop someone from doing something in the pitch dark, without them even knowing it. 

On January 28, 2017, I had a new epiphany on prayer. 

I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know what I was praying about, or thinking about, or crying to God about, but all of a sudden I knew that the reason i am getting through areas of blockages in my life NOW, is because someone prayed for me! Some of my ancestors prayed for me!

I was floored, a feeling of relief washed over me, I started crying. [cause that’s what *I* do! LOL ] The scripture that says ‘there is a great cloud of witnesses around us’ Hebrews 12:1 – took on new meaning. 

SOMEONE PRAYED FOR ME! OMGOSH, I WASN’T ALONE! click on the title to listen

     Someone Prayed

As yet they did not know me
But they knew the Lord
They knew they’d have descendants
They relied upon His Word
When they’d say their prayers
They’d get down upon their knees
They prayed for their descendants
And one of them was me
Without their prayers from long ago
I would not be here
I always felt so all alone
And I was full of fear
I was meant to be destroyed
by satan oh but wait!
The prayers of my ancestors
Saved me from that fate.

 

© copyright Janine M Joi                                                                                                        

As I was reading Ephesians yesterday, I realized that Paul prayed for me as well! Ephesians 1:16-19; 3:15-19. 

The holy and revered apostle Paul, prayed for ME! OH. MY. GOSH! It all ties in!

So you see we are not alone. We not only have a great cloud of witnesses in the spiritual world around us, we also have the prayers of our ancestors surrounding us and uplifting us!

Sometimes I still get the fear that people will think I’m just absolutely so stupid that I didn’t know all this years ago. But even in the face of that fear, I still keep writing my journal online because God told me to do so in 2003 and He hasn’t said I could quit yet. [I asked in 2016, several times] So if what I write helps even one person, the ripple effect will be huge. So I just plow thru the feelings of inferiority and spill my guts for everyone to see, because this is one of the things God has told me to do. 

Just think! At some point [and I hope it’s soon!], I’m going to have confidence in myself and what I know. And won’t that be a fine day!

Get Off The Fear Pedestal!

 

Let Courage RISE FIRST

Fear, people have fear on a pedestal, as if they think more highly of fear than they do courage. There is good fear and bad fear. This is about bad fear. The kind that paralyzes us so we don’t move, don’t try, don’t do.

When was the last time you heard someone say, I had courage and I did this?

What we normally say or hear is ‘I was afraid too xyz’. I was afraid of rejection, I was afraid of being judged for….not doing it well, being fat, sounding bad, people won’t buy, people won’t like me. Fear is familiar. Absolutely everyone knows fear. But does everyone know courage?

Do you feel better when you are fearful or when you act on courage?

Is living in fear somewhere YOU want to live?  Is living with fear someone you want to live with?  Stop being so darn comfortable with fear! Don’t be crushed by fear. Kick it out of your life!

Do we even hear about people ‘living in’ courage? Being with courage? No, because it’s something we all have to fight through, climb over, deal with. Courage is something we need to DO, take action on! Fear is something we wallow in, that allows us to be less than what God made us to be.

Courage is not commonplace. Stop being common. Stand out, be courageous. So many people are trying to be different. Well, then, live with courage. Take courageous action. Courage is a good word. It brings out the best in us. To live courageously means to live better, at one’s best.

We all feel better when we take action, when we are courageous. So, let’s determine to live courageously, live WITH courage, live IN courage. Fear or courage, whichever one we let rule our lives, is the winner.

Do not fail to live your life because you are fearful!                                                                                     Live WITH courage, not IN fear.

May 2017 Revelations

5-5-17 Facebook is not my friend, it’s a tool. I may have friends on fb, but it’s not were friendship should be carried out. 

Jesus is the visible image of the invisible God.

Frequencies are the minute pieces of Jesus’ healing power. 

When I trust and write down what seems really odd, Jesus opens the door for more. She who is faithful in the little things! Luke 16.10

5-18-17 I had already asked forgiveness for doing things man’s way instead of God’s way. 

me, Can we talk about putting Moringa and Myrtle in every essence? 

God says, ‘sure, doesn’t everyone have fears about something’? Doesn’t everyone need a little more love? Doesn’t everyone need to know that things will be okay?”

Me, yes. 

G, you GUESS? 

Me, I just think God, that some people think they don’t need..[God interrupted]

G, ah yes, but if people only got what they think they need, they wouldn’t have much of anything would they? they wouldn’t have what they truly need, would they? 

Me, humbly and chagrined, in a small voice, ‘no’.

G, if I and we leave everyone to their own devices on what they think they need…well then Janine, do you understand now?

me, yes Father, thank You.

G, My pleasure baby girl. I’m not upset with you Janine. I did not say it with the tone of voice or attitude that you heard it in. That’s a filter that needs to be shattered. 

Me, Father I ask You shatter that filter in me now, in Jesus name.

G, now? you want me to shatter it now?

Me, yes please, if it’s in your will and your timing to do it now.

G, it is, it may hurt a little, but you’ll be fine, as you know, you are always fine on the other side.

Me, please go for it God. I want to be more in you and less in me and definitely I want any filter that is not a good filter to be broken, shattered, in Jesus name. I ask for You to do this now. [I feel like I’m going willingly to the dentist] 

5-20-17 – when WE think God is slow, it’s that WE have not used the authority that He has given us because we are His daughters and his sons thru His Spirit. HE’S not slow, he’s waiting on us!

My Prayer – I want to be free of shame and frear and doubt and unbelief. I want to know who you are God and how you operate. I want to know the greatness of your power, the greatness of your grace, the greatness of your favor. I want to enjoy this life that you have given me, free from the negative and fully learning and charging into all the things you have given to me. 

I think, from watching Ken Copeland, that I can know you in many ways. I can know who you are and how you do. I want to know these things God. I don’t want to keep going along in life knowing a tiny bit but not fully understanding you. I want to be more friends with you. I want to have a different relationship, a deeper relationship and friendship, something more than what I’ve had.

I know I’ve had good things. I want more God. I want to know the greatness of yoru power. I want to have understanding and wisdom. If I am just to know one area, then choose the area and draw me into that however you will, God. Jesus has come to give me an abundant life. I want that abundant life. I don’t want to struggle anymore.

Up until right now, when I am talking, my life has been such a struggle. I’ve struggled for health, wealth, to understand you. I ask you Father, I come humbly before you and I ask you to give me breakthrough and knowing how to heal other people and understand frequencies and understanding you’re greatness and understanding and having your favor.

You are constantly giving me dreams. I ask that you give the understanding of those dreams. I ask that you open the eyes of my heart, open the eyes of my understanding regarding dreams, favor, your greatness, regarding all these things that you have given to me. Open up my understanding Father, please, in the name of Jesus.

That I may walk in your ways, that I may do what you called me to do, that I will understand what you’ve called me to do and go forth boldly, with understanding, wisdom and knowledge. Father, my life is not just for me, it is also for others to teach and impart and help. 

But Father, if I’m not whole, wholly in you, then I can’t give out. I ask you for understanding of who I am in you, how I am and I ask that you give me power and the ability to go forth Father, in Jesus name

___________________________

5-31-17 John 20.23 “If you forgive anyone’s sins, they are forgiven. If you do not forgive their sins, they are not forgiven”. Meaning we can ask forgiveness for their sins and their sins are forgiven of them. I think it has to do with the sins committed against us, personally.