How She Thinks

Do You Think It’s Gone?

Do you think it’s gone? Do you think because you are this age, that your childhood is gone and you can’t get it back? Do you say to yourself or God, “I can’t re-do it! I can’t get it back. what do I do”? Do you think you are lost or too far gone in any way? PLEASE stop thinking that way. Try to stop thinking that way. Try for yourself. If you follow Jesus , there is nothing further from the truth.

I know this because for the past 3-4 months, Jesus/God has been teaching my little ones. I better explain that. We are all made up of the ages we grew up through. And, if something bad happened to you at a certain age, that will create what is called a “wounded part”.  This wounded part has it’s own personality, it’s own anger, it’s own fear, it’s own attitude. Usually these wounded parts are trying to help the core person in some way, in ways they think are appropriate. But rarely is it appropriate. 

Some people call them alternate personalities, but that’s a scary term to my little ones. Besides they weren’t ‘alternate personalities’ because they never shut down reality for my core person and acted on their own. So, they are wounded parts. They are wounded little ones. [Others call them fragments, but mine are all people and they are real, they are not a fragment. That’s me, you can call them whatever your heart wants too]. I had a lot of wounded parts. I went through inner healing and deliverance for 9 or 10 yrs. I’ll probably write a book on it one day. 😉 

Some of my back story sucks. Let me say this and I think you’ll understand. My parents had one child, my sister. My mother wanted another child. It was me. But all she wanted was another child. She didn’t want to raise it. So she didn’t. My dad taught me some stuff, different times when she would send me away to live with him or my grandmother. Needless to say – I didn’t learn the things kids with one or two caring adults in their lives learn. I didn’t really ‘raise myself’, cause I didn’t know anything. This has made my life exceedingly difficult to get through. I managed in some areas, others have been sorely lacking. 

I read Ana Werner’s book, “The Seer’s Path. In it she has us do an exercise to start seeing in the spirit. I’m already a seer, so that wasn’t hard. However, when I started this, I met with Jesus and He told me ‘this is going to take a while, are you willing to sit with me and do this’? I said yes. LITTLE knowing what it would entail.

So what is Jesus doing?

He’s taking me through each age and healing and teaching. DON”T THINK something can’t be undone!! IT CAN BE. Thru Jesus. I am now at 7 years old. I just transferred to 7 from 6 last week, March, 23, 2018 to be exact. That’s also when I learned, as a 6-7 yr old, that God is real, He’s not a figment of my imagination. I do hear Him and He really, really loves me. I know He loves me because He’s listening to me. He’s answering my questions, He never once has told me to shut up, or stop talking or stop asking questions. That’s love. 

Always happy girl

He has taught me so many things already. Some of them He’s taught by words and some by, the only way to say it, is osmosis. He’s teaching me things underneath the words and lessons. I know this, because I am acting and speaking differently than before. As an adult.

I want to encourage you to never think your past is done and can’t be undone. It CAN be undone with and through Jesus. There are stories Jesus wants to write with others. You may be one. Those who have had a bad childhood, no matter whose fault it was, no matter the reasons why. It could have been just a short space of time or a long space of time. Since 99% of people come from a dysfunctional home, I would guess you had something rough in your life. Jesus wants to sit with you and He wants you to come to Him and take the time to listen and write your story. It will take time. He wants to be with me every day, to tell the story. This is besides prayer time. When I am in this stage, I actually regress to that age and sound like a kid. 

I will start posting installments of the story. Now mind you. I have this blog because God told me to put my personal journal online, that it will help others. So when I post the installments, some of them are just lessons, a part of the story. Yep, I’m gonna let you in on all the ‘stuff’. I will put it under the category of The Cork Road. Because that’s what Jesus calls the story, The Cork Road.

I promise you, if you take the time to sit and be still with the Lord, to envision yourself with Jesus at a table [what does the table look like? what do you see around you?], to talk with Him, to spend time with Him and I’m talking time, not 5 or 10 minutes, but 30 or more; He will give you a story. He will heal your little ones. It just takes one step and it has to start with you. 

My Road – Alone


originally published on another blog 2-1-17.

I ALWAYS felt alone. Rejected by my mother, I wasn’t the type of child she wanted. Rejected by my sister, she only wants perfect people in her life – I always felt alone. Molested by my grandfather, with no one to help because they didn’t know, I always felt alone. Full of fear and so alone.

Even the moon hides

When I became a Christian, I struggled in the Lord. OH! How I’ve struggled. I figured I wasn’t smart enough, good enough or worthwhile enough. I grew up thinking I never measured up, so how could I, as a Christian, measure up to all these things that Christians are supposed to be? I didn’t have the training others had, it seemed I just didn’t know enough or understand well enough. 

I was the johnny-come-lately, the one behind the 8-ball, the outcast, the black sheep. I was the one that wasn’t wanted or loved. The one that didn’t have anyone in her corner. Or so I thought. 

lonely little girl

I have been a follower of Jesus for 38 years now. Following hard after Him for 35 yrs. It was in 2015 that I realized God loves me. That’s a long time to struggle to understand it, find it out, figure it out. It was an epiphany. I had just told my earthly Dad he can’t tell me what to do in my life or run my life or talk down to me, and all of a sudden, I realized HOW God is my Father. How LOVING God is. 

I’d also had an epiphany of God loving me in 2002, going camping, late start, we set up camp in the dark, with a monsoon coming on. Woke up in the middle of the night with the foot of my sleeping bag outside the tent, where it was soaking wet. The water had wicked up the zipper, but I was dry and warm. There was damp on either side of my pillow, happy for me, when I sleep, I don’t move or move much. I had a deep fear of hypothermia at the time and I asked God to not let my head get wet. Upon awakening in the morning, both sides of my pillow were completely wet thru, but I wasn’t wet. 

Getting out of the tent, we saw a wadi. A wadi is a depression in the earth that looks like where a river should go, but it’s dry in normal weather. Until monsoons hit and then it’s a torrent of rushing water. Our tent was on the EDGE of the wadi. A few more inches and we would have drowned. That’s a pretty powerful God, that can stop someone from doing something in the pitch dark, without them even knowing it. 

On January 28, 2017, I had a new epiphany on prayer. 

I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know what I was praying about, or thinking about, or crying to God about, but all of a sudden I knew that the reason i am getting through areas of blockages in my life NOW, is because someone prayed for me! Some of my ancestors prayed for me!

I was floored, a feeling of relief washed over me, I started crying. [cause that’s what *I* do! LOL ] The scripture that says ‘there is a great cloud of witnesses around us’ Hebrews 12:1 – took on new meaning. 

SOMEONE PRAYED FOR ME! OMGOSH, I WASN’T ALONE! click on the title to listen

     Someone Prayed

As yet they did not know me
But they knew the Lord
They knew they’d have descendants
They relied upon His Word
When they’d say their prayers
They’d get down upon their knees
They prayed for their descendants
And one of them was me
Without their prayers from long ago
I would not be here
I always felt so all alone
And I was full of fear
I was meant to be destroyed
by satan oh but wait!
The prayers of my ancestors
Saved me from that fate.

 

© copyright Janine M Joi                                                                                                        

As I was reading Ephesians yesterday, I realized that Paul prayed for me as well! Ephesians 1:16-19; 3:15-19. 

The holy and revered apostle Paul, prayed for ME! OH. MY. GOSH! It all ties in!

So you see we are not alone. We not only have a great cloud of witnesses in the spiritual world around us, we also have the prayers of our ancestors surrounding us and uplifting us!

Sometimes I still get the fear that people will think I’m just absolutely so stupid that I didn’t know all this years ago. But even in the face of that fear, I still keep writing my journal online because God told me to do so in 2003 and He hasn’t said I could quit yet. [I asked in 2016, several times] So if what I write helps even one person, the ripple effect will be huge. So I just plow thru the feelings of inferiority and spill my guts for everyone to see, because this is one of the things God has told me to do. 

Just think! At some point [and I hope it’s soon!], I’m going to have confidence in myself and what I know. And won’t that be a fine day!

Roads of Memories

As a child, I would skip along different roads, some were adventure roads, some were dark roads, some were discovery roads and some were sad roads.

Love Road. My grandfather was a 33rd degree Mason. That was an honorary degree because 32 was the highest they could go. Oh! HOW I loved him! He taught me my times tables. He had the patience when no one else did. He let me ride on his lap when he was on the riding lawn mower. We’re talking 1958-62. My grandparents were well-off.

Adventure Road. I was his favorite. Just between my sister and I. I was never around him when he was around my two cousins.  I was with him when he made furniture, I remember the vise on his workbench. I even have his hammer. The handle is dry and cracked, but it’s his hammer.

Road of Travel. I was around my paternal grand-parents a lot. I have no idea where my sister was. I lived with my grand-parents in the 4th grade, [my mother said I was ‘incorrigible’] and I lived with them from the 10th grade through when I went into the Army when I was 19.

Road of Embarrassment. I used to wet the bed as a kid. Until I was like 10 or 11 I wet the bed. My grandmother, bless her soul, would get up in the middle of the night and change my sheets. She couldn’t stand the thought of me laying on wet sheets and she thought if I had dry sheets, I would learn how nice it felt.

Long ago & far away

Comfort Road. I also sucked my thumb. It wasn’t something I could control. I did it all the time as a child. My mother and step-father would paint my thumbnail with that awful stuff, then go off to work. I would soak my thumb in the dog’s water dish to get it off. Even now, when I am in the deep rem sleep, I suck my thumb.

Road of Confusion. My grandparents had a 2 bedroom house and the back bedroom was my grandfathers. It was a high bed. I could crawl under it and have room to spare. During the day once, when I was about 6 or 7, I was caught humping a towel under the bed. My grandmother was HORRIFIED. I knew it was wrong, but that was the only place I knew to do it. I remember I had a pleasant feel from it. When I saw her reaction, I was scared I would be in trouble. I didn’t know it was that bad! She ordered me out from under the bed and watched me like a hawk the rest of the day. ‘Whaaa’??? I thought. I did it all the time because it felt good. I was 6, what did I know? Apparently too much.

Beautiful

Road of Beauty. It was around that age that my mother made my sister and I matching princess dresses. They were sleeveless red satin bodices, with a HUGE full skirt that she overlayed with red tulle and put sequins on. OH MY! It was THE most beautiful thing I had ever owned! We would twirl around fast and sit down quickly and the skirt part would flare out and we would be sitting the middle of this huge concoction of satin, tulle and sparkles! Every little girl should have such a dress.

Road of Darkness. I was afraid most of the time. Afraid of the dark, afraid of men, afraid of big dogs, afraid I wouldn’t have enough to eat, afraid I would be attractive to men, but wanting to be; afraid of loud noises, afraid of fear.

Road of Sadness. In 1992 my mother said she didn’t want to be my mother anymore. She would be a mother to my sister, but not to me.

Road of Wisdom. When I got older and became a Jesus follower, I began to understand some things. After many years of following Jesus, I moved to a new State and went to a class at a local church where they had the whole class say things out loud, renouncing demonic stuff. It was a class on inner healing and deliverance. When they got to the part of murder, I started crying. I was horrified I was crying in a room of strangers! What in the world??!! I was in the middle, I couldn’t just get up and leave! I had no clue what was going on.

Road of Discovery. From 2004 to 2011, every 2-3 months I would go to the home of Inner Healing and Deliverance counselors and get healed and delivered of demons.

long, cold road

The male of the couple, Scott, he sure went through stuff with me. Hating men, many times he would have to stay away from me. I learned stuff. I learned why I was afraid of men. I learned why I acted like a clown all the time. I learned why I was afraid of the dark. Remember that Masonic grandfather?

He used to take me as a baby and toddler and young girl to his meetings. He did bad things. He let others do bad things. Which is why I was so afraid of so many things. It also explained the ‘Presence’ in the closet with me when I would hide. [it was an angel of God]. I also learned my earthly dad did bad things. I got a whole lot of revelation into why I acted like I did all my life!

cool road

Road of Healing. But you know something? Scott said he was amazed that I was prophetic and could hear God through all that stuff inside me. but that just proves that scripture – Ephesians 2:7 “ So God can point to me in all future ages as an example of the awesome wealth of His grace and kindness toward me, as shown in all He has done for me who is united with Jesus the Messiah”.

Freedom Road. All roads lead somewhere. We can choose which road we want to travel on when we are older. We can continue to live on the Road of Sadness or the Road of Fear or the Road of Rebellion, or we can choose a different road for ourselves. Truly. It’s not a ‘blinding light’ sort of thing. It’s as simple as choosing to live differently. It’s choosing what to think about and how to live.

freedom road

We can each choose the low road or the high road.  We can choose to ‘do it ourselves’ and not accomplish much on the inside of us, or we can submit to the Higher Power, Jesus, asking Him to forgive us and help us.

Remember the thumb sucking? Some wounded part of me is still wounded. I would say probably 90% of me is healed. We all have residual ‘stuff’ that needs to be cleaned up because we live in this world. However I am on the Road of Blessing. I am a different person than I was even just 7 yrs ago. Everyone that knew me now and knew me then, sees it. More than anything, I hope if you are hurt and/or don’t know Jesus, that you ask him to forgive you of everything you’ve done wrong and ask him to take your life and do something with it. 

There’s nothing like being on the other side of the Road of Fear and being on the Road of Freedom, Love and Courage