How She Thinks

Forgiveness, Anger, Changing

Dear Son,

It’s admirable that you think your current issues are not due to your childhood/me/your Dad, however truth be told, they are. You didn’t just catch these issues, like you catch a ball. The issues of the last 26 years between us, stems from issues from your childhood/teenage-hood.

We are like oil and water. I wanted to be a PTA mom and having a child that was hyperactive made that impossible. That child acted out because his mother didn’t take care of her issues and his father didn’t take care of his issues.
Sins are passed down through generations. Through our DNA. Just like genetics of how we look and how our bodies are, what we are prone too. That’s if each person doesn’t take care of their issues.

I have had issues where I have forgiven the person and not myself. But here’s the deal. Yeah, I know your faith has not kicked back in yet, but, if you can forgive others and not yourself, you are saying you are above everyone. Opposite side, if others forgive you, who are you to set yourself higher than everyone else? There is nothing more special in you than there is in anyone else you know.

I have recently been dealing with that. Just like I extend forgiveness to others, I need to do it for myself. As do you. I forgive myself. I’m human. I am not better than others. I am not any better in any way, than anyone else. We are all human. Which flows into the policing of others’ behavior.

example. email interaction with a ‘senior sales mgr’ in a company that sends out samples. He has been very rude in his emails. Saying he won’t send a sample to a residential address. I gave him all the proof he would need to know I have a home based business. He wrote back saying, ‘oh well, too bad’. It was all I could do not to write back.

Years ago someone I am acquainted with said she figured I was so rude and angry because something must have happened in my life. Most of the time, we all, as people, don’t give a rude, angry person a second chance. We figure they are this way and they’ll always be this way. Which means we have set ourselves above another. We think we know all there is to know about someone, even years later. God gives us a second chance, who are we to not do the same for others? We do need to use discernment though, we need to watch the person and see how they act. We need to make sure we have forgiven that person. But lots of times, we don’t really forgive.

We say we do, but if we do, we also need to turn loose of the anger and the hurt. Which we usually don’t. Forgiveness isn’t just words, it’s also actions and conscious decisions to ‘let go’, ‘give away’ things that have hurt. Words and actions and feelings.

So, I remembered this person had said that about me and realized this man must be a very angry person, so instead of getting MY feelings hurt because he was disrespectful to me, someone he doesn’t know, someone he should have been nice too, I prayed for him. Without anger. Which was easier to do because someone had extended that understanding to me at one time.

Customer service means we are nice to people we don’t know. It means we offer them respect and deference. We do this because we don’t know them.

So if we honor and respect and are nice too those we don’t know, isn’t it more important to be nice to ourselves  To respect and honor our feelings and what we think? How we feel? How in the world can we really love someone else, when we disrespect ourself?

I think the way of showing oneself as having ‘arrived’ at being mature, adult and honorable is showing love and respect to ourselves, thereby we are able to give it to others.

The ultimate gift we can give, is being unoffendable. If we can be unoffendable, there is no need to police someone else’s behavior because they didn’t measure up to what ‘we’ consider even nominal ‘acceptable’ behavior.

If we can be unoffendable, then we live and let live. We don’t hold someone’s feet to the fire as-it-were in order to ‘get back’ at them. We do need to stand up for ourselves and what we need, but we need to do it in love, not in anger. Not in policing someone else’s behavior. We can only change ourselves. We should be examples to others, not telling them how to live or what to do. Unless they ask for our opinion or advice.

It’s a tall order my son and it can be done. But first, forgive yourself, because you are like the rest of us, human. Let go of the hurt, the anger. Decide that whatever you write on a piece of paper and set a match too, you will release and not take back. No matter how many times anger or frustration starts to well up inside you, don’t take it back. It no longer belongs to you. We don’t steal, we don’t take what doesn’t belong to us.

It takes work and perseverance and it’s doable.

You are loved. You are forgiven. Now that you are married, hopefully you will ask for forgiveness many, many times and you will get forgiveness. I hope you will also give forgiveness many, many times. 

I love you. I have forgiven you. ‘They’ say the past can’t be changed. I disagree. When we forgive someone, that changes our past. When our thoughts are healed, when our emotions are healed – and some of it can be done without being a follower of Jesus – then what affected us in the past is changed. When we forgive ourselves, not only is our past changed, our future is too.  


Roads of Memories

As a child, I would skip along different roads, some were adventure roads, some were dark roads, some were discovery roads and some were sad roads.

Love Road. My grandfather was a 33rd degree Mason. That was an honorary degree because 32 was the highest they could go. Oh! HOW I loved him! He taught me my times tables. He had the patience when no one else did. He let me ride on his lap when he was on the riding lawn mower. We’re talking 1958-62. My grandparents were well-off.

Adventure Road. I was his favorite. Just between my sister and I. I was never around him when he was around my two cousins.  I was with him when he made furniture, I remember the vise on his workbench. I even have his hammer. The handle is dry and cracked, but it’s his hammer.

Road of Travel. I was around my paternal grand-parents a lot. I have no idea where my sister was. I lived with my grand-parents in the 4th grade, [my mother said I was ‘incorrigible’] and I lived with them from the 10th grade through when I went into the Army when I was 19.

Road of Embarrassment. I used to wet the bed as a kid. Until I was like 10 or 11 I wet the bed. My grandmother, bless her soul, would get up in the middle of the night and change my sheets. She couldn’t stand the thought of me laying on wet sheets and she thought if I had dry sheets, I would learn how nice it felt.

Long ago & far away

Comfort Road. I also sucked my thumb. It wasn’t something I could control. I did it all the time as a child. My mother and step-father would paint my thumbnail with that awful stuff, then go off to work. I would soak my thumb in the dog’s water dish to get it off. Even now, when I am in the deep rem sleep, I suck my thumb.

Road of Confusion. My grandparents had a 2 bedroom house and the back bedroom was my grandfathers. It was a high bed. I could crawl under it and have room to spare. During the day once, when I was about 6 or 7, I was caught humping a towel under the bed. My grandmother was HORRIFIED. I knew it was wrong, but that was the only place I knew to do it. I remember I had a pleasant feel from it. When I saw her reaction, I was scared I would be in trouble. I didn’t know it was that bad! She ordered me out from under the bed and watched me like a hawk the rest of the day. ‘Whaaa’??? I thought. I did it all the time because it felt good. I was 6, what did I know? Apparently too much.


Road of Beauty. It was around that age that my mother made my sister and I matching princess dresses. They were sleeveless red satin bodices, with a HUGE full skirt that she overlayed with red tulle and put sequins on. OH MY! It was THE most beautiful thing I had ever owned! We would twirl around fast and sit down quickly and the skirt part would flare out and we would be sitting the middle of this huge concoction of satin, tulle and sparkles! Every little girl should have such a dress.

Road of Darkness. I was afraid most of the time. Afraid of the dark, afraid of men, afraid of big dogs, afraid I wouldn’t have enough to eat, afraid I would be attractive to men, but wanting to be; afraid of loud noises, afraid of fear.

Road of Sadness. In 1992 my mother said she didn’t want to be my mother anymore. She would be a mother to my sister, but not to me.

Road of Wisdom. When I got older and became a Jesus follower, I began to understand some things. After many years of following Jesus, I moved to a new State and went to a class at a local church where they had the whole class say things out loud, renouncing demonic stuff. It was a class on inner healing and deliverance. When they got to the part of murder, I started crying. I was horrified I was crying in a room of strangers! What in the world??!! I was in the middle, I couldn’t just get up and leave! I had no clue what was going on.

Road of Discovery. From 2004 to 2011, every 2-3 months I would go to the home of Inner Healing and Deliverance counselors and get healed and delivered of demons.

long, cold road

The male of the couple, Scott, he sure went through stuff with me. Hating men, many times he would have to stay away from me. I learned stuff. I learned why I was afraid of men. I learned why I acted like a clown all the time. I learned why I was afraid of the dark. Remember that Masonic grandfather?

He used to take me as a baby and toddler and young girl to his meetings. He did bad things. He let others do bad things. Which is why I was so afraid of so many things. It also explained the ‘Presence’ in the closet with me when I would hide. [it was an angel of God]. I also learned my earthly dad did bad things. I got a whole lot of revelation into why I acted like I did all my life!

cool road

Road of Healing. But you know something? Scott said he was amazed that I was prophetic and could hear God through all that stuff inside me. but that just proves that scripture – Ephesians 2:7 “ So God can point to me in all future ages as an example of the awesome wealth of His grace and kindness toward me, as shown in all He has done for me who is united with Jesus the Messiah”.

Freedom Road. All roads lead somewhere. We can choose which road we want to travel on when we are older. We can continue to live on the Road of Sadness or the Road of Fear or the Road of Rebellion, or we can choose a different road for ourselves. Truly. It’s not a ‘blinding light’ sort of thing. It’s as simple as choosing to live differently. It’s choosing what to think about and how to live.

freedom road

We can each choose the low road or the high road.  We can choose to ‘do it ourselves’ and not accomplish much on the inside of us, or we can submit to the Higher Power, Jesus, asking Him to forgive us and help us.

Remember the thumb sucking? Some wounded part of me is still wounded. I would say probably 90% of me is healed. We all have residual ‘stuff’ that needs to be cleaned up because we live in this world. However I am on the Road of Blessing. I am a different person than I was even just 7 yrs ago. Everyone that knew me now and knew me then, sees it. More than anything, I hope if you are hurt and/or don’t know Jesus, that you ask him to forgive you of everything you’ve done wrong and ask him to take your life and do something with it. 

There’s nothing like being on the other side of the Road of Fear and being on the Road of Freedom, Love and Courage