How She Thinks

Not Sure I Can Do This God 1-9-18

1-9-18. Yep, it’s been a while since I posted. Instead of going thru why, I’m just gonna post. Besides, I mostly am writing to God or myself anyway.

God, I’m not sure I can do this. I know I told You I would go forward with you in 2013, but at this point, I’m not sure I can. But I can’t go back. I am stuck. 

___________

This path you have me on, these flower essences and frequencies, this book You wanted me to write. It all feels like I’m reading things into things. I DO know YOU called things that were not, into being. But this isn’t like that. This is reading what *I* think it is, into it. 

God, don’t you trust me to speak to you thru my Spirit? 

Me, apparently not. I KNOW that you direct me even when I don’t know it. But are you doing this ALL the time? Noooo, Because if you were, I would not make so many mistakes. I mean, really God. You tell me SO MANY things and first off, it’s SO enlightening and exciting, but second, it’s FRIGHTENING to a person who is a lot more grey now, but still, the black and white rears it’s head. Like yesterday, in our convo, I guess I may as well put the whole thing here. Seriously God, I am really upset with You that You tell me to STILL put my personal stuff online. I think I’m just upset at this whole thing.

So yesterday, 1-8-18 [no, the number is not lost on me] and btw, that prophetic word Mike Maiden gave me in 2004 about the number 18, what does THAT mean??

“struggling with fear and mindsets. 

me, what about dealing with all these new agers? How am I supposed to differentiate? 

God, you don’t. 

me, what labels do I put on it?

God, no label, not everything has to have a label, some things just ARE

me, then how do I understand it? 

God, go with the flow. Set yourself free, stop putting a fence around yourself. *I* don’t do that to you. YOU do that to you. You agree with the devil and allow a fence to be put around you because you fear. You fear because you were born in sin and that’s what people do. They fear instead of fly. 

LORD! how are we supposed to FLY if we have all this fear in and around us?

God, By trust. In Me.

me, how are we supposed to GET there? 

God, surrendering to me. Flowers, plants, nature, commune with nature. Those other people are not so far off Janine, it’s who they are worshipping, not what they are doing. “

That, right there. God, you tell me stuff like that and it blows me away, freaks me out, I TRY, you KNOW I try. ‘not what they are doing’. God, seriously. I get that YOU think I’m the right person for this. I get that YOU take the stubborn and stupid to do those things that YOU want us to do, so YOU get the glory. I’m good with that. Except I think that doing this, I’m reading things into it. What if it’s not you? What if I’m wrong in a BIG way? Yep, fear. You betcha. [ maybe I should rename this blog, ‘notes from the stubborn and stupid’.  *rueful grin*]

 I KNOW I said I’ll fly with You, I’ll soar with You. I’ll have no fear. I’ve done fairly well, Until yesterday. I’m overwhelmed with trying to do things the way I think You’ve told me to do AND loosen up and have fun. 

So the rest of our chat? What brought this all up? The dream I woke up with. [ I want it on record God, that I greatly dislike putting my ‘stuff’ out there. If I dared to be blatantly disobedient, I would be. I know I’ll get over this, At some point]

The Trump Dream

I was at the White House. I had a female friend with me. She had dark hair. We were walking down a wide hall on the second floor. There was a guy walking toward us, it was “Jay” from Madam Secretary. I wanted him to like me, but he liked my friend and I was more interested meeting the President of the United States, so that was ok. 

We were in the Presidents office. he came in. We talked a bit. It was very informal. 

I wanted to be remembered for something. I wanted other people to know I had been there. I went up to where he was sitting and massaged his shoulders. There was a place that he found was painful on his side, by his ribs, when I massaged it. He was surprised it was there. 

I asked if he liked the massage, he shrugged and said yes. 

It was time to leave, although none of we visitors wanted too. President Trump had to get back to work. The gal friend had on, at this point, a maroon coat and a maroon, knitted, slouch hat. ‘Jay’ had on a very dark green, knitted, slouch hat. It was winter outside. There was snow on the ground, the trees were bare and white. It was cold. 

We all were walking down a wide hallway. We were laughing, the President would smile every so often. I asked President Trump for something from the White House, like a match book or something, so people would know that I had been there. He kept walking, not saying anything. He went down the wide staircase. We all went with him. 

President Trump knew I was afraid to fly and he was trying to get my mind off of it. He showed us the snack place. It was at the bottom of the stairs, there was a popcorn machine, the red and white kind, on a stand, off to the right. It had fresh popcorn in it and round bins of all different flavors, sweet and savory. I knew I couldn’t have the popcorn due to what it does to my gut, so I went into a room on the left. In here were all kinds of stuff. Coffees, sodas, but what caught my eye were all the chocolates. The finest chocolates in the world were in here. I started putting handfuls in my purse. Even though I knew I shouldn’t have sugar. I did it anyway. Then after I filled up my purse, I looked at it and thought, ‘I can’t even eat all that, I need to take it out’.

But before I could take it out, President Trump got us all together, he was trying to get us shooed out. I was trying to take a selfie with him and get him to laugh. Its rare that people aren’t laughing when they are with me. He was so tall. The gal friend and ‘Jay’ were laughing it up over their antics on the left side of Trump, I was on his right side. Then I said something that he thought was funny or something happened he thought was funny and he started laughing and he really loosened up. That’s when i got the selfie with him. He was bent over at the shoulders, toward me, laughing with me. 

I asked him if he would say something in public about me the next time he was in public, so people would know that I’ve been there. I wasn’t sure he had heard me, but I knew he had heard me. 

When I was home I heard on the radio President Trump said, “Janine has faith”.

I thought it would be on tv or a press conference. It was on the RADIO of all places! I thought it was odd but that’s what he said and that’s where he said it. I wondered how in the world did he know I have faith or not? And why did he say THAT as opposed to something else? 

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 The day went downhill from when God said, ‘it’s not what they are doing, it’s who they are worshipping’. I thought I figured out a lot of the dream. I don’t eat stuff that physically hurts me, but i do eat stuff that hurts me, but I don’t feel it or see it. Sugar is bad for the bones. I need bone growth. [yes, I’m standing on His Word, even that was brought into this mess yesterday] So I do things I know I shouldn’t, disregarding their effects on me. The flesh is weak. Apparently I only pay attention to those things I can see and feel. 

So my prayer was, ‘Father deliver me from mindsets of fear. Fear to step out, fear to FLY with You. I knew it was NOT fear of flying in an airplane, cause I’m not. I’m afraid to fly with God. Which means I’m not trusting Him. 

I have fear of FREEDOM. [gads what kind of revelation is THAT???] Fear of making a mistake. fear of people, putting more stock in people’s thought of me, than of God’s thoughts of me.  

Right before I went to sleep on 1-5-18, this is what God said to me: Helping people to have visions, see themselves in the room with God, with Jesus, and Jesus healing their little ones. Using flower essences, guided imagery.

I freaked out. I actually said on my note I wrote [in evernote]. oh my God. [I never say that]

I also remembered when I went out back to sit in the rocker, I had had another dream. That dream was that the HUGE passion flower vine I have in my backyard was completely bare of leaves. Completely. 

Then I did a freak out on text to someone. “Is there REALLY enough TIME left to take ME from where I am to where He wants me????? To where YOU are???? Do I HEAR well enough? Can I get PAST the mindsets? Can I? Is it possible to counter the rigidity of Christianity? [other people, not me ] And who the hell am I to think ANYONE will listen to me? Where in the world do I fit in NOW? 

Once I publish a book, or write on a blog or open my mouth, it’s gonna be all over but the shoutin’. Oh, my, God. 

This word that I got from a gal on facebook on 1-5-18: “As I prayed and asked Holy Spirit to show me something for you, this is what I got. I saw in a field you dancing and praising the Lord. Then I saw a dandelion all in seed. I heard the Lord say Blow on it my Daughter and the seeds that you plant will go far and wide. Not to underestimate your words. I am the one that carries them on the wind to many places. You are a planter of many seeds. Your harvest is plentiful. Look into my face and see the joy you bring me. You are my beloved and I am yours. Be filled with Joy this day. For my joy is your strength and I will provide all that you have need of. As you walk and talk with me I will show you many things. Get ready for your harvest. You have planted many seeds.

________

And I’ve been under attack ever since without realizing it was an attack. I _must_ remember that ‘what if’ is fear. That anything negative in my head, is not God. It’s me or the enemy. If it’s me, then it’s fear and fear is the enemy, so it all goes back to – it’s the enemy or it’s God. I’m the pawn. Why would I ever think bad things of myself? [besides being wired too because of my past, but that’s different]. The Bible says we are the pawns. Ephesians 3:10 New Living Translation: God’s purpose in all this was to use the church [people are the church, NOT a building!] to display his wisdom in its rich variety to all the unseen rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. That makes us pawns. Pawns with a Purpose. PWAP. I’m a PWAP

So the upshot of all this? no leaves on the vine – passion is gone, healing is gone. [no idea, just trying for something]. Trump dream, I have faith. That and 2 bits will get me a hair cut. I need bone growth in my jaw. [yes yes, i hear myself]. 

wow. I think the cat is out of the bag now. Re-reading this for proofing. I might as well publish the book, write the blog and start talking it. I already walk it.